we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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