We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
