i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
