the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We're too hungover to prance.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
