dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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