I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
