32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
