"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
