come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
