this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
