I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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