i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
