last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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