Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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