I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
