I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
