I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
