oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
