I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
