The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
