Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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