she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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