wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
