i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
