I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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