I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
