I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
