You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
