I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
