The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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