no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
