Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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