I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Text me some of your sweat
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
