It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
