Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
