Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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