Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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