I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
