it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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