I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
