Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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