u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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