I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
