so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
