That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
