He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
