so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
