he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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