she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
