I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
